my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
