I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
