i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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