Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
