I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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