a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
