He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
