we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
