You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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