omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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