You're completely useless in the revolution.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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