My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
