nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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