overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
