At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
