i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
