I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
