were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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