I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize