her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
