he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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