I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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