i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
