Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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