Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
