Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
