kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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