I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
