Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
