I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
