Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
