I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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