despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
