To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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