Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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