I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
