I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
