I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
