I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
