Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
