this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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