so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
