Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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