She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
