seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
