never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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