Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
