was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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