Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
