New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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