Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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