Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
