the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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