Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
