I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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