I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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