I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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