I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
