Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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