i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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