So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
