Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
