So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
