I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
