Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
