girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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